“Good evening,

For those of you who don’t already know, my name is Matthew. In the wise words of Paris Hilton – I’m not promising change like this guy (points at Dave) or from the old days like the other guy (points at Andy) – I’m just hot!

I will be completely honest with you, I have no intention of being useful or putting my presidential powers to good use in any way, shape or form.  If you wanted organisation and responsibility, then you wouldn’t be here in the first place!

The only thing I can promise you is this: last year Andy told us if people didn’t turn up to social events that “heads will roll”. As you may remember, we had some pathetic turn outs and nobody died! I have recently purchased a flat-pack Guillotine from www.ikea.co.afganistan and I promise you – heads most certainly WILL roll!

Now, the reason you should vote for me is quite simple really – if you don’t vote for me . . . I collect your f*****g head!

Thank you for listening!”

It came to my attention today while indulging myself with a little ear training exercise (in this case, working out the vocal part of “Over the Rainbow” purely by ear!) that whilst most guitar tutorial magazines and beginner’s books emphasis primarily on rhythm playing, most fail to touch on the art of soloing – which is a real shame as “lead” guitar can be really rewarding! Therefore I intend to remedy this problem with a tutorial dedicated PURELY to soloing!

Alright, I can just imagine what you must all be thinking, as experience has proven that whenever I approach the subject of soloing students have a tendency to do one of the following:

1. Giggle, as if I just said a rude word!
2. Roll their eyes whilst thinking “Soloing is for wankers!”
3. Panic!
4. Cry – “I’m not good enough . . . !” etc
5. Get over excited and wee in their pants! (Honestly! 14 year old boys are terrible!)

OK, so I’m guessing you have now got over the initial shock and having gone through one of the above reactions (any new ones please let me know via comments!) we can now proceed . . .

First of all, soloing is NOT about showing off! I don’t care what anyone says, soloing IS NOT about showing off! Yes, of course you will find those that think the ability to play as many notes as possible, over as little time as possible, is very big and extremely clever! Well I have news for you people – IT ISN’T!!!! Just take Motley Crue . . . bad hair, make-up, ridiculous costumes, and the only thing sleazier than their music is their appropriately titled autobiography “The Filth”, plus the guitar solos are crap! Sorry Mick Marrs, I may own the album “Red, White and Crue” but it only serves to prove my point!

Equally, don’t misunderstand me, as I have a lot of respect for guitarists whose technical abilities allow them to play at lightning speed, only . . . let’s keep it tasteful shall we guys!  ; )

Players such as Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Herman Li (Dragonforce), Yngwie Malmsteen and (when on form – which he hasn’t been since the “Black” album) Kirk Hammett are all fine examples of how to put that sort of technical Prowse to good use. Although I would avoid Eddie Van Halen personally . . . “Eruption” is simply ridiculous and his soloing on Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” for example – Ouch! That timing is BAD!!!!  ;(  (Pained expression)

So, for those who aren’t technical wizards yet, this is where to begin:

1. Set the mood – This isn’t simply time for you to show off! This is your opportunity to prove to your audience that a well performed solo can touch more emotions than any bloody, posing vocalist with a handful of “clever” word ever could! A solo is like a song within itself, like a short story within a much larger novel, and needs to develop in the same way. It needs high points and low points, moments that cause the audience’s emotions to sour, and moments that bring them crashing down into the depths of despair. No tight-trousered, egotistical, self-styled “poet” is ever going to achieve that!
2. Meld head with fingers – Basically the trick to this one is the ability to transfer the melody that you can hear in your head through your fingers and onto the guitar like *snap*! This method is far superior to simply playing scale patterns as it allows you to achieve that much more “personal” touch and does everything discussed above, which is an added bonus! I will be honest, THIS IS HARD!! This is something that even I am still learning to do (why else do you think I was trying to take a memorable melody like “Over the Rainbow” and play it by ear alone) and it takes a LOT of serious practise, however . . . the rewards to worth the pains!
3. Reflect the song’s melody – the best solos are always those you can actually sing back if asked! The legendary guitarist Les Paul (who unfortunately passed away recently) used to say a solo was “worth ****” if people couldn’t sing it back to you! One of the best ways to do this is to reflect the song’s melody by taking the vocal line and developing it further! QUEEN’s Brian May is (in my opinion) probably the finest example of this technique put into practise!
4. One-note guitar solos – Yes, believe it or not, there are many examples of guitarists who have managed to forge a career for themselves by simply playing one-note solos! I will be completely brutal with you – in the eyes of MOST musicians this technique will only leave you looking daft and unimaginative – but it HAS worked! I think the best example I can offer you would be Johnny Ramone’s famous single note solo (he just plays the same note repeatedly in groups of three) on the Ramones’ classic “I Wanna Be Sedated”.
5. Improvise – Despite what people may think, improvisation IS NOT just for self-indulgent Jazz musicians! Improvisation opens may doors musically and if working on your solos in a recording studio, improvisation can prove to be a wonderful compositional tool! Just take David Gilmour of Pink Floyd – he’ll improvise a solo about 5 times for a single song, play them all back, pick out the bits he likes, splices them together (we are talking old tape recording here, not all this fancy digital rubbish! Lol) and Eureka! The PERFECT guitar solo!

*Before anyone DARES call this cheating, once the solos are completed, Dave Gilmour can pull them off EXACTLY in concert! Which is more than can be said for a LOT of musicians, whose results may vary!*

Right then, I think that just about covers everything you need to know about soloing without me having to give you a “practical” lesson in person . . . Oh, yes! There are an increasing number of guitarists (thanks to the God-Awful “Nu Metal” scene . . . e.g. Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park etc) that seem to think that soloing is a waste of time! I won’t lie to you that there is always that option but then I would be forced to kill you . . . *sound of chainsaw*

Until next time, good luck and keep playing!

Some of you may have heard me moaning, panicking, runing around like a (don’t take me literally now…) headless chicken, but as a matter of fact, the settling into the calm, almost boring depths of Bangorland in my own house (my own house! What has become of the world…?). But this is possibly due to the fact that our fourth,  most random and certainly most talked of future resident has not arrived yet- in fact, so far as we know, he’s still in Spain at four AM in the morning drinking Vodka, Sambucca and Jagermeister shots, all whilst nattering to other guys on trains. Possibly all four together, but that would make for a very ill little * Ryan…or at least a more drastically and dramatically confused one.

But Bangor is fine. Not so much ‘fine’ as ‘I now love Bangor, what was so bad about this place?’, but rather, I feel much more at home in a house than I did in student halls. Sure, the clue is in the phrase itself- after all, home= house, but there’s just something about this house that makes Bangor just that tad little bit more exciting. It’s been stressful in many ways, as I’ve discovered that there’s so many things in life that I have taken for granted [such as electricity: playing on the Gamecube added CHUNKS on to the electric metre bill] and realizing possible problems for the future, such as my loss of a chequebook and my need to pay the landlord. Some of the future problems I know I will face are going to be pillars of torment and arguments in the household, meanwhile some problems will simply include getting Ryan out of bed whenever the electrician comes around in the morning to fix the metre, or, unsurprisingly- “LORD-QUACKQUACK-IS-AT-THE-WINDOW-AND-STARING-DOWN-RYAN-AS-HE-GETS-DRESSED-AT-FOUR-AM SYNDROME”. Luckily, for emergencies such as these, I have brought my bokken for immediate knock out strategies.

Also, something I didn’t expect- I’m getting on with everyone else really nicely. Maybe this is just because my last flatmates were gits, bar one. Or perhaps because I’m a disagreeable person. Who knows? We are all amazingly competitive, actually like the balance between work and play and- dare I say it?- are each weird in our own ways. I’m not naive enough to say that there will not be arguments, as let’s face it; a blind man on a bike can see an argument revolving “who put the water on while I was in the shower?” is simply going to be inevitable, especially considering there’s a good chance that either myself or (dun dun dun) Ryan will be in the shower at the time and thus screaming in very high pitched voices the moment the water turns to ice. But I have to say, I was not the first person to set the fire alarm off- the reward goes to Sara in that respect, baked potato in the oven!- and there will almost certainly be more as the days come to pass, as I attempt to brave the oven and Ryan places something on the hob.

…Notice how a lot of this post refers to Ryan.

Poor Ryan.

Also, a small collection of Facebook statuses from us all:

“Mike *** is munching a banana in Ethel!”

“April *** is inside Lelouch”

Explanation before you all laugh and snigger, and go “Oh, April has reached the point of insanity and admitted to having imaginary sex with an anime character”: we have all given our rooms names. With the exception of Ryan, whose room has been aptly named “Mildred/Mudkip”…

1. The living room is called Ethel.
2. The kitchen is called Betty.
3. The bathroom has not been named as of yet, but I want to call it Wilma.
4. Mike’s room has been named “The Acid Room”.
5. My room is called “Lelouch” (If you can understand the pun behind calling my room so without going “LELOUCH LAMPEROUGE FETISH”, then I send you my most dear congratulations.)
6. Sara’s room is named “The Sex Attic”.
7. Ryan’s…we decided on “Mildred/Mudkip” because he loves old people’s names, leiks Mudkips -misspelling deliberate- and because he’d have probably killed us if we stuck with the original idea of “Land of the Epic Llama Queen.”

 I have also noticed that when Mike gets poked, he selectively squeaks like a girl…that Sara has never tried Macaroni cheese, that we’ve invaded Mildred on multiple occasions to check the metre (although nothing else, I assure you!).

That’s all for me for now. Now, I must leave you all so that I may explain to my precious mother the difference between “your” and “you’re”…

(*= I say that term lightly due to the fact that I am a measly 5’7 and Spamface is 6’2)

Spamface and I were talking to Nate last night and he has gone a ‘little’ bit crazy. Examples:

1. “I have a really nice house, I want you to live with me”. Apparently, he said this to Dougiroth as well.

1b. I would never go to sleep ever again. Even an electric fence, barbed wire and a pissed off Hobbit would not make me feel safe. Why a hobbit? I don’t really know. Wheres my booze?

2. Nate: “I am studying in Bangor and in the US with WoodsHole”

Me: “So…when will you be in Bangor?”

Nate: “www.bangormaine.gov”

Ryan: “So we won’t see you again? “

-few seconds later-

Ryan: “EPIC “

So, he’s either being a pillock or he’s gonna be away from us. I have his current address, everyone will be told it in person or online so they can avoid said road unless necessary.

3. He blocked Ryan because he was annoying. Irony, anyone?

4. HE’S LIVING EVEN CLOSER TO US NOW! MATT, RUN! HE’S BY THE PIER NOW!

5. He has a job. Apparently. Something to do with slowing global warming, or in other words, he’s gone mad. Matt, get the straight jacket!

6. He couldn’t keep his story straight. Plus he kept calling me hot, cute and cuddly! The last I agree.

Anyway, take care.

THE EMERGENCY POCKY IS GONE

I just want to make it clear, that I have only published it here for the purpose of sharing the experience with you. I do not think that these lyrics are any good or have any intention of actually using them at any point in the future. Its completion was pure nostalgia!

*Just for reference purposes, only the second verse and outro have been added. The rest is entirely the original, un-tampered work of my much younger, and probably, much more imaginative self!*

Suicide

Verse 1:

All this talk of moving on

Increases my depression

My friends have moved on

Living their lives

As if there’s nothing wrong.

But I know I won’t forget it

Now you lay there in your grave

Suicide seems cool

When life is cruel

There’s no way of living now.

Verse 2:

There were days when we used to meet

At the corner of our street

Where you used to cry

On my shoulder and I

Just didn’t know what to do.

Suicide seems cool

When life is cruel

I never guessed you’d go through with it!

Chorus 1:

I remember . . .

A boy and a girl, they’re laughing too

Just me and you . . .

Now you are gone I want to die too!

Verse 3:

All this talk of moving on

Increases my depression

My friends have moved on

Living their lives

As if there’s nothing wrong.

Suicide seems cool

When life is cruel

There’s no sense in living now.

Chorus 2:

I remember . . .

A boy and a girl, they’re laughing too

Just me and you . . .

Now you are gone I want to die too!

If I knew I was wrong

I wouldn’t be singing this song

Alone in the dark again.

Suicide seems cool

When life is cruel

But I can’t seem to do it now!

Can’t seem to do it now

Can’t seem to do it now

Can’t seem to do it now

Can’t seem to do it now

Outro:

I don’t want to live, I never ever want to grow old!

I don’t want to live, I never ever want to grow old! 

I don’t want to live, I never ever want to grow old!

I don’t want to live, I never ever want to grow old!

I don’t want to live, I never ever want to grow old!

As only a fool would let their heart take flight

On a chance encounter, a moment so brief

That would only bring sorrow and grief.

Love is not right and it is not wrong

As there are infinite ways to interpret its song

Instead it glows like Ivy and will creep

Into your soul and sink in deep.

Yet despite these word that make no sense

I cannot describe in present tense

A single word, phrase or rhyme

That expresses my feelings at this time.

Many a time I have greatly desired

When you were neither drunk nor tired

To confess how much you mean to me

But the words are trapped and do not break free.

I know these words hold little weight

Their meaning hollow and said too late

But look beyond all the mistakes I do

And see the man who is in love with you.

Instead, I decided to log into Yahoo messenger to be confronted with the submersible avian overlord himself. Apparently, the rumours are not true. He WILL be back AND studying…and missing his eyebrows. That rumour was true.

What was rather terrifying was the fact he otherwise seemed quite…’normal’, after his initial “Hey, big boy, whats up”. At this point I thought I accidently clicked on a rather kinky friends msn address and was going to give a more, well, typical, response. In all trueth, I have to admit, I am very glad I didn’t for my own safety.

Looks like operation PWN shall have to be in place for when I have visitors at xmas.

Three weeks today and I shall be back in that marvellous town of Bangor. Finally, I will have some privacy back. Plus I can use all my recording set up at last, really wanting to record some covers about now (thanks for the guide Matt).

I’m looking into mentioning a manga/anime review section to Seren and see if we can alternate between writers or see if we can do an MST3K style review of it.

Plus, I am going to buy/repair another microphone before I go back so we can make full use of having four microphones to do a podcast if we wish. As both a Tangos Walk Whom thing or the Anime Soc.

Anyways, now I have got another crate of emergency Pocky I shall retreat and get back to preparing myself mentally for “Captain Quack-Quack”.

Remember, there never were any ducks. Only Llamas. Rainbow ones. They were the original unicorn before being downgraded to a shade of brown.

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.

2) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

3) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

4) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

5) If you are going to get told off for something you did – tell Dad first!

6) The best thing when you’re sad is Grandpa’s beer.

7) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

8) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white skirts.

9) Never ask your 3 year old brother/sister to hold a tomato.

10) If your brother/sister hits you, don’t hit them back. Parents always catch the second person.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

 
 GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that   you once got from a roller coaster.

5) Its frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

 At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers licence.

At age 35 success is . . .having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

*Note: April and Matt are safe from my wrath . . . for now!*

Alright, that said; let’s get down to business . . .

It has come to my attention that for someone who intends to be a teacher, I haven’t taught anything yet! So I have decided it is high time, following April’s educational guide to survival in the bush (aka the home), I did something about it! As many of us are musicians, either professionally or simply for pleasure, I have decided that today’s lesson shall be . . .

How to “perform” a cover version.

OK, I know you must be thinking along the lines of “D’eh . . . I know how to do that!”, but the real question is: do you?

There is a real art to performance. A performance is not simply sitting or standing in front of an audience and playing all the right notes, in the right order, at the right time. A performance is all about interpretation. The key to interpretation is originality. Just because someone else plays the piece one way doesn’t mean you have to do the same!

A true performer can take his audience on a musical journey through various different emotional states of mind. This does not mean play one “happy piece” followed by a “sad” piece which in turn is followed by a “romantic” piece. That is simply repertoire! A real performance can penetrate and pull at the heart strings in many different ways in a single piece of music.

For example, let us take the piece “The Light Moaning in the Darkness” from Suikoden V. You can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TsLO0lXMT4 . What can you say about this piece of music? It’s sad?  Yes, it’s in a minor key so that is to be expected. It’s repetitive? Yes it is, but do all the repetitions sound the same?

If you think the answer is “yes”, you need to worry! However, if you answered “No . . . but I can’t quite put my finger on it! The notes are the same but it sounds . . . different somehow?” then you are closer than you think!

The piece is built around two repetitive themes. The first is rather melancholy with a simple “empty” melody in the right hand and the lower repetitive movement in the left hand. The second theme is much brighter, more hopeful, with its busier, rolled chord melody in the right hand and simple, gentle accompaniment in the left hand.

It doesn’t matter how well the audience knows a piece of music, or think they know a piece of music, if you do something different it will provoke a different response. Here the performer evokes a different response from his audience by using different techniques, such as increasing/decreasing the volume, more emphasis on key notes or chords, making them stand out from the rest and even, in places, pulling the tempo to his advantage. If you suddenly play a section either slightly faster or slower than the original tempo (time) then revert back to tempo, it forces the listener to pay attention!  Note how the performer carefully never does exactly the same thing twice. Even if he uses the same techniques, he applies them differently each time giving each repetition its own unique characteristics.

Now, before you ask: “That’s all very well, but what does this have to do with performing a cover version?” Exactly the same applies! If you are doing a cover of a popular song, please, DO NOT simply attempt to copy the original, or the version that you like best!* The reason that most cover versions are successful are due to the fact the band or artist have given it their own unique style. Famous examples include:

“Dear Prudence” – Originally by The Beatles but later covered by Siouxsie & The Banshees whilst Robert Smith of The Cure was on guitar duties. Their mixture of 80s synth pop and Smith’s own guitar lines (he didn’t simple play Harrison’s original) gave the piece an eerie, psychedelic vibe which secured the band their highest ranking hit at #3.

“Hallelujah” – OK, so Alexandra Burke released an absolute stinker as far as covers of this song are concerned but this Leonard Cohen penned wonder has seen many great interpretations over the years from talented artists such as K. D. Lang, Jon Bon Jovi, John Cale, Rufus Wainwright and of course, Jeff Buckley who have all put a completely different spin on the song.

* Unless you are playing in a covers band, in which your target audience will expect you to play the songs exactly the same as the original or most popular artist.

I could go on with other examples, but that wouldn’t be practical.

In conclusion, when playing a cover, if you want to sing quietly where the original sings louder – DO IT!! Equally, if you love a song but you feel the lyrics in the second verse let the song down, there is nothing stopping you going Verse 1, Chorus, Solo/Instrumental (instead of Verse 2), Chorus, Verse 3 etc. You could also try changing the instrumentation. Why use a guitar when you could use a piano instead? Why not use a guitar instead of a piano? Why not arrange it for a String Quartet or Orchestra to perform behind you? Why not play it in a Jazz “Bossa Nova” style?

This is the beauty of music and interpretation; it has to be unique to YOU!! My advice is take a piece of music you can play that you really like and forget about the recording, even forget about the dots on the page and just play as you see fit. Experiment with it, you may discover something you like!

Anyway, I shall end this rather pointless tutorial here but please feel free to comment or ask questions. In addition, if anyone would like to request arrangements/tabs of pieces I can try to sort it for you but I can’t promise anything!

*Thanks to April for introducing me to “The Light Moaning in the Darkness” and the link used above.*

“I never done good things,
  I never done bad things,
  I never did anything out of the blue.
  Want an axe to break the ice.
  Wanna come down right now.

  Ashes to ashes, funk to funky,
  We know Major Tom’s a junkie.
  Strung out in heaven’s high
  Hitting an all-time low.”

David Bowie, ‘Ashes to Ashes’.